Gunnersaurus and the 2022 EPL
by An Aroused Koala
Summary: It's the year 2022 and this year it is up to Gunnersaurus, the official mascot of Arsenal FC, to win Arsenal the 2022 season of the English Premier League!


Gunnersaurus Rex squeezed his portly belly out of the Emirates jet and trotted down the steps to the tarmac.

It was 2022 and the interruption of the English Premier League season by the FIFA World Cup in Qatar meant that it was impossible to determine a winner. The FA had announced that a new, alternate method for determining a winner would be used for this unprecedented occasion. Gunnersaurus had felt very proud and excited when he received a letter from the FA informing him that he would be part of this and that he had the chance to ensure Arsenal FC won the English Premier League title for the first time since the 2003-04 season. His cold blooded dinosaur heart had swelled with pride imagining how he might get to hoist the silver trophy over his head, and he had wiped away a few tears.

Gunnersaurus had just arrived in Rwanda and perambulated over to greet the head of the FA Martin Glenn with a big warm cuddle.

"Gunnersaurus, nice to see you," said Glenn. "Why don't you wait over there with the other mascots?"

Gunnersaurus looked over to where Glenn was gesturing and saw the mascots for all the other EPL teams. "Wow," he thought to himself. "This looks great. I'm going to be able to hang out with all my friends and maybe even win the Premier League for Arsenal." He walked over hurriedly and saw to his dismay that all the other mascots seemed to look gloomy, or would not meet his eye. Gunnersaurus smiled at them, hoping that they would cheer up soon.

Martin Glenn cleared his throat and the reporters who were milling around began to flash their cameras and inch closer to him. "It is time for us to announce the special method we have chosen to determine the winner of the 2022 season of the English Premier League. As you can see here, we have gathered all the mascots from each Premier League Team and I am excited to announce that the mascots will compete in a version of THE HUNGER GAMES DEEP IN THE FOREST OF RWANDA!"

Gunnersaurus patted his belly. "Hunger Games doesn't sound too bad," he thought to himself. "After all, I am one of the more plump mascots so I have lots of reserves when I'm going hungry."

"Yes," continued Glenn, "the mascots will battle to the death with the last mascot standing as the WINNER OF THE 2022 EPL SEASON!"

Gunnersaurus' heart dropped. He would have to battle his fellow mascots? His hands began to sweat with nerves and he felt butterflies in his stomach. How was he supposed to kill his friends? Gunnersaurus' head drooped but before he could do anything he was put into a van and driven to the rainforest for the Hunger Games to begin.

Hours passed but Gunnersaurus didn't notice. His heart was filled with sadness and despair. Suddenly, the car stopped and Gunnersaurus was being ushered out. The air of the rainforest was cool and refreshing, and it reminded him of his days as a young dinosaur roaming around the forest as a Junior Gunner. Gunnersaurus had closed his eyes remembering back to Thierry Henry's goal against Manchester United in 2000 when suddenly his blissful memories were interrupted by a horn blowing. The games were beginning!

Gunnersaurus raced up to that middle bit of the arena and grabbed lots of supplies to share with his friends. He saw some weapons there too but decided not to take any of those. He then ran off into the rainforest like the rest of the mascots were doing because truthfully, Gunnersaurus wasn't quite sure what he was expected to do. Gunnersaurus ran quite far until he became tired and had to lean against a tree to rest. He wasn't really a long distance running type of dinosaur.

Behind him, Gunnersaurus heard a loud commotion. He turned around and gasped. Bertie Bee the Burnley mascot had just tackled a nude pitch invader to the ground. Gunnersaurus watched as he then handed a linesman a pair of glasses and was immediately escorted out of the arena. "Oh my," thought Gunnersaurus. He had always suspected that Bertie might be a little bit of a bad egg, something about his overly tall face seemed off. A cannon sound was heard around the arena.

Gunnersaurus decided to find shelter quickly, since it was already getting dark. He had gathered some firewood amongst his supplies and thought that a nice campfire with his friends sounded like a jolly good idea. He went about setting up the fire when all of a sudden he saw Cyril the Swan from Swansea approaching. Gunnersaurus knew that Cyril had chronic depression and thought that some company might cheer him up.

"Henlo Cyril," said Gunnersaurus, approaching the forlorn mascot to hug him. "Hello Gunnersaurus," said Cyril depressedly, his neck arched and his face looking down. "Why don't you stay with me and we can sit by my campfire together?" asked Gunnersaurus. Cyril sat down. "Ok. I just have to remember to take my antidepressants," he replied gloomily, rattling his bottle of pills. Privately Gunnersaurus thought that perhaps Cyril should try some new antidepressants, since whatever he was on right now did not seem to be working. But then again, being the mascot of Swansea would probably make you depressed beyond cure.

Gunnersaurus and Cyril huddled together around the fire and soon they were joined by Hammerhead of West Ham, Changy the Elephant of Everton and Cherry Bear of Bournemouth who was having a particularly hard time in the rainforest due to his disability that meant his eyes were permanently stuck looking upwards so he couldn't see anything in front of him. The group shared food and Gunnersaurus cuddled all his friends for warmth.

The next morning they awoke to the sound of cannons. "Oh no," said Gunnersaurus, "another mascot friend has been eliminated." He and his friends held a minutes silence to commemorate the occasion. They spent most of the day foraging for food. As a young dinosaur, Gunnersaurus used to eat meat but the legendary Arsene Wenger had converted him to a much healthier diet exclusively of broccoli. He had missed Arsene a lot ever since his resignation as coach in 2018, and was also finding it quite hard to find wild broccoli growing in the rainforest.

Suddenly, Hammerhead made a loud scream and all the other mascots in the group rushed over. Gunnersaurus gasped loudly. Moonchester the Manchester City mascot was lying on the floor of the rainforest, crushed by a giant pile of money sent to them from their sponsors in Abu Dhabi. Also Gunnersaurus thought about how Moonchester had a dumb name and his eyes were too close together. He gently covered the body of the mascot in a blanket and wiped away a few tears.

A few hours passed before Gunnersaurus heard the sound of helicopters. "It must be the sponsors sending supplies," said Cherry Bear, who's eye disability allowed him direct vision of the helicopter. "That helicopter has dropped something," he said. They watched as the object from the helicopter fell, only to see that it was not one object but hundreds of beach balls. "Someone must be trying to confuse Liverpool," said Hammerhead. "Lol" replied Changy.

That night the group of mascots became even gloomier and Gunnersaurus wondered how it had come to this. He thought that he would be proud to represent Arsenal and maybe even win the Premier League for his club, but he wasn't sure he wanted that if it meant watching his other mascot friends suffer. He rolled over difficultly and fell into an uneasy sleep.

The next morning Gunnersaurus was again woken by a commotion. This time, Harry the Hornet from Watford was being wrestled to the ground by Sam Allardyce after he had done a pretend dive to make fun of Zaha from Crystal Palace. "Guess we won't be seeing him again," said Changy, handing Gunnersaurus some wild berries they had collected from the jungle. Gunnersaurus munched on them in deep thought and hoped Arsene would forgive him for straying from his broccoli diet. These were difficult times. He got out his wallet and took out the small picture of the legendary manager that he kept with him at all times. The colour was a bit faded and the picture was a bit crinkled but Gunnersaurus didn't mind. He gazed at it fondly before putting it away quickly and looking around, embarrassed and hoping that none of the other mascots had seen.

All of a sudden they could hear some loud noises and see movement in the dense foliage up ahead. "Let's go and see," said Gunnersaurus, leading the way. He pushed through the thick vines and his innocent eyes gazed dumbstruck at the Monty Magpie from Newcastle, Terry the Terrier of Huddersfield and Gully the Seagull from Brighton and Hove Albion, each of whom had sustained serious injuries following an attack by Pete the Eagle from Crystal Palace, Pottermus Hippo from Stoke, Baggie Bird from West Brom and Sammy Saint from Southampton.

Gunnersaurus immediately pulled out his first aid kit and bandaged the head of Monty Magpie to stop the bleeding and gave him some ice for his swelling. He could see that Gully had his leg broken as it was sticking out at a funny angle so he quickly made up a plaster cast for it. Next, Gunnersaurus carefully sewed up a cut on Terry's stomach, allowing Terry to squeeze his reptilian hand to deal with the pain.

Inside the bunker, Martin Glenn watched on a screen. "What's going on?" asked the other members of the FA board. "Gunnersaurus can't do that, it's supposed to be a fight to the death!" they shrieked. Martin Glenn didn't answer.

Gunnersaurus had made up his mind. He was not going to participate in the Hunger Games and instead he would try to convince all the other mascots to stop this unnecessary violence once and for all. "Wait here," he commanded to the group of mascots who had gathered around the injured ones trying to help them back up on their feet. "I'm going to find the others," he announced, "there will be no more mascot deaths or injuries in this competition!" Then he marched off purposefully into the rainforest, not even noticing that Chirpy the Cockerel was being swept away by a giant tornado of dust, generated when the Tottenham owners had decided to open the door to their trophy room.

Gunnersaurus marched around the forest looking for the other mascots, but quickly became tired. He had left all of his food supplies back with the others and his large stomach had started to make loud noises. He sat down in despair and large salty tears fell from his beautiful wholesome dinosaur face. "I've failed," thought Gunnersaurus. He took out his picture of Arsene again. "I'm sorry Arsene," he said. "I just wanted to make you proud."

Just when Gunnersaurus had been about to give up hope he saw a flash of red in the distance. "Could that be Fred the Red from Manchester United?" he thought to himself. Gunnersaurus heaved himself off the ground and ran over to where he thought he had seen a glimpse of Fred. From behind a tree he could see Fred the Red sword fighting with the anatomically incorrect Liverpool mascot Mighty Red who had teeth even though birds don't have teeth. Off to the side he could also see Filbert the Fox from Leicester City. "I must stop this fighting," Gunnersaurus said to himself and he approached the mascots. All of a sudden, Stamford the Lion from Chelsea popped up from behind a rock and aimed a bow and arrow at Filbert. "Omg he's going to shoot him," said Gunnersaurus and he ran over to Filbert to push him out of the path of the arrow but it was too late. Stamford had already shot the arrow and it pierced Gunnersaurus' belly. He looked down at the arrow sticking out of him and then fell to the ground and everything went black.

Gunnersaurus opened his eyes. He squinted at the bright light and could see coloured blobs in front of him. "Oh no," he thought, "the Avengers have come to visit me. I'm dying!" But gradually the blobs vanished and Gunnersaurus opened his eyes properly. He was lying in a hospital bed. On his left hand side were screens and monitors, monitoring his heart rate and breathing. He looked at his belly and saw that where the arrow had pierced him there was now a large bandaid. Then Gunnersaurus looked to his right hand side. A slender grey haired man was sitting in a chair next to him. It was Arsene Wenger.

"Arsene!" yelped Gunnersaurus, hurriedly trying to sit up and tangling himself in his IV drip. "Relax," said Arsene in his soothing French accent. "You've had a big match," he continued to a mesmerized Gunnersaurus, "but you've played very well. I am very proud of you." Gunnersaurus' heart swelled with joy and happiness and elation. He was speechless. He carefully extended his arm to Arsene Wenger to shake his hand, trying not to dislodge his IV. He wiped away a few tears with his other hand. Arsene stayed with Gunnersaurus for a few more hours and they reminisced about Arsenal's victories, players and best goals. Gunnersaurus had never felt more proud to be the mascot of Arsenal FC than at this moment, sitting with the club's most successful manager and remembering all the friends he had made over the years. Eventually, the nurse came and told Arsene that he had to leave because it was the end of the hospital's visiting hours. "Brexit means Brexit," she said firmly. She helped Gunnersaurus out of the hospital bed so that he could hug Arsene goodbye and then she dressed his wound from the arrow and gave him a large plate of broccoli for dinner. Gunnersaurus ate quietly as he watched a DVD of Arsenal's greatest goals on the TV. In his happiness he had completely forgotten to ask what had happened to the other mascots, or perhaps it was because he had hit his head as he fell down. Eventually Gunnersaurus curled up with his teddy (a small Gunnersaurus plushy) and fell into a deep and peaceful sleep.

Gunnersaurus spent a few more days in hospital, where he learnt that all the other mascots had been rescued from the rainforest and were recovering well, even Moonchester who Gunnersaurus had thought was dead. Watching the news on the hospital TV, he learnt that the mascot Hunger Games had been suspended indefinitely pending an announcement by the FA. On his fourth day in hospital the doctors declared that Gunnersaurus was fully recovered and ready to be discharged and that he would be flown back to London and picked up by the FA as he was going to be part of their announcement. He hoped it would be a happier announcement than last time.

About 14 hours later Gunnersaurus was standing on the springy grass of Wembley stadium with the other mascots. The stadium was filled with the supporters of each team, cheering and waving flags. Gunnersaurus could see the giant red flag with the white cannon rippling gracefully in the breeze and the fans singing "1-0 to the Arsenal" and "Oh to be a Gooner" like a choir of angels. Martin Glenn stepped up to the microphone on the podium and suddenly the stadium went quiet. You could have heard a pin drop.

"As you all know," he began, his voice echoing loudly around the stadium, "the decision of FIFA to schedule this year's FIFA World Cup in the middle of the season meant that we had to cancel most of the games and use an alternate method to determine the winner of the Premier League for the 2021/22 season. We wanted to create an entertaining event, where fans could still follow their favourite team. What we eventually decided to do was stage a Hunger Games in the rainforest in Rwanda between the teams mascots. It is clear to us now at the FA that this was the wrong decision. We should never have resorted to violence and brutality so we made the decision to prematurely end the games. However this still left us with the problem of deciding a winner. After long discussions and reviewing of the VAR from the rainforest we have come to a decision. Due to his unprecedented compassion, solidarity, kindness and selflessness in sharing resources with other mascots, providing medical assistance, attempting to end the conflict and even sacrificing himself to save another mascot, we have decided unanimously that it is fitting to award the winner of the competition to… GUNNERSAURUS OF ARSENAL. ARSENAL FC ARE THE ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE CHAMPIONS OF 2021/22!"

Gunnersaurus was in shock. He felt that his feet were rooted into the ground and he couldn't move. His dream had come true, he had won the Premier League for Arsenal. Gunnersaurus was led up to the podium and to his great delight he was presented with the trophy by none other than the Queen herself. He raised the trophy above his head victoriously and all the other mascots clapped and cheered for him. The Arsenal fans swarmed the pitch and lifted Gunnersaurus into their arms cheering and screaming wildly, draping him in scarves and flags. Gunnersaurus smiled.

The end


End file.
